Stu

Are you the psychologist? Nice to meet you. I filled out the forms.

Yes, I read them. Please have a seat and make yourself comfortable. So how long have you been having these thoughts about eating your husband?

Well, at the beginning it was while we were making love. Stu has, you know, this irresistible smell that is so enticing.

Natural smell?

Yes, you know like right after the rain. It’s something quite sexy, that kind of smell in a guy, don’t you think?

And then what happened?

Well, nothing at the beginning. A couple of nibbles here and there.

But he complained.

Well, yes, at the beginning it was just pretend nibbling but then I tore off a tiny bit of flesh. That must have hurt.

I’m assuming it must have. Then what happened?

I apologized to him of course. But then the dream came.

What dream?

That it was supper time. And that I found him cooked in the oven. A stew. That’s kind of funny because of his name – Stu. It smelled really good. Not like the sexy smell of Stu. But like the ‘you gotta taste this – come have supper’ type of smell. Fresh roast smell. You know. I couldn’t help myself. It was delicious.

And what happened when you woke up?

He was gone. I mean could the dream have been real? That I ate my husband for dinner? He hasn’t been back in a week. And I am with child.

What? You’re expecting? Oh, that makes all the difference in the world.

What do you mean?

Spiders often eat their husbands. Right after sex.

Oh, you mean I held back.

As long as you could. I’m so proud of you.

Does that mean what I did was natural?

For female spiders, of course. Nothing wrong at all.

So do I still have to pay you for this consult?