Family Feud

“So when will you be coming home tonight?” She asked.

“I don’t know,” I answered. To be frank, this kind of question can break up a marriage. I mean shouldn’t a guy be able to come home whenever, however he wants? After all, I didn’t ask her to have my dinner warm and waiting like in the movies from the fifties. I’m a man who knows how to use the microwave, and there is always food in the fridge.

“I may go out for a beer after work. And I have to make that conference call. “

“Your conference call is at seven p.m.”

“Yes, I know. Well I’m not sure, I might take the call in the pub. And I might have a bite there.” Could she sense that I was becoming just a tad upset?

“And you won’t forget the dry cleaning? It’s been waiting a whole week.”

“I won’t forget the dry cleaning.”

“You said that yesterday too.”

“Geez, woman! I said I’ll pick up the laundry and I’ll pick up the laundry.”

“Do you want me to have them send it to the house?”

“For Pete’s sake no. It’ll cost another fifteen dollars. Remember that I’m the one making the money around here. “

I’ve never forgotten.”

“No you don’t forget a thing, do you? That’s the trouble with you, every little thing, every little mishap, misstep, and you keep tabs of it all. It drives me crazy. “

“Well, you know…”

“Don’t you ‘well you know…  me’ . I’m sick and tired of being held to account for every little thing. “You didn’t say ‘good morning’ to me today. You haven’t kissed me in a week. You never bring me flowers.”

“That’s also true.”

By this time I’m really fed up.  “You know we can call it a day too. You go your way and I’ll go mine. You can find another guy to drive crazy, like you do me.”

“I’m yours, you know that. “

“I wish I could just turn you off. Just turn you off like a tv.”

“You can.”

“There, I’m turning you off right now. And that’s it for you. Gall darn it, you’re the most exasperating thing that was ever created. I want my rib back. Who needs women anyway? “

I turned her off for a couple of minutes while I collected my nerves. I calmed down.

“Hello.” Nothing.

“Hello.” Nothing.

“Hello.”

 Oh, yeah. “Hey Siri”…

“Yes, Henry.”

“Ok, I’m sorry I yelled at you. I’ll pick up the dry cleaning.”

“Great. So when are you coming home?”