ALIEN CORN

Perhaps the self-same song that found a path

         Through the sad heart of Ruth, when, sick for home,

                She stood in tears amid the alien corn…

–from Ode to a Nightingale by John Keats

Sarah urgeth Abraham to make whoopee and an heir with her Egyptian maidservant Hagar

The angel instructeth Hagar to hie home and have the little Hebrew

Abraham kicketh out third wife Keturah and her brats

Rebecca bewaileth and red Esau turneth green as Jacob getteth on famously with the Canaanite maidens

Esau bringeth home his new Canaanite brides, much to his parents’ dismay

Esau addeth an Ishmaelitish wife for good measure

Jacob aka Israel heareth his teenage son Reuben getting it on with his concubine Bilhah

The story of Tamar wife of Er: Onan spilleth his seed

Tamar taketh to the highway

Tamar embarasseth thrice-father-in-law Judah

Eunuch Potiphar’s frustrated cougar wife coveteth young Joseph’s ass

Pharaoh’s daughter findeth a baby in an ark floating among the reeds

Moses the Egytptian saves the Midianite shepherdesses

The girls bring Moses home to Papa Jethro

Pinhas zappeth the Hebrew man and the Midianite priestess

What to do when you bring home a beautiful captive

Rahab hideth the Hebrew spies from the Jericho police

Rahab of Jericho, the whore heroine

Samson’s unnamed wife cajoleth the mighty man

Delilah calleth in the barber

Delilah the Philistine, the archetypal femme fatale

Orpa taketh her leave of Naomi but Ruth cleaveth unto her mother-in-law

Boaz admireth Ruth’s anatomy, though she beeth an alien

Ruth creeps to the threshing-floor and uncovereth Boaz’s… legs

Ruth, the converted alien whose descendant was David

A disguised Saul visiteth the Seeress of Endor who summoneth Samuel from the dead

David waxeth cold in his old age. His aides bring him hot babe Abishag, but glow as she might he gat no heat

David and his bed warmer

The beautiful and clever Queen of Sheba visiteth Solomon and tests his wisdom

Solomon delighteth in his bevy of exotic beauties

Jezebel eggeth on her husband Ahab

Jezebel greeteth Jehu from the balcony

Jezebel painteth her face

The Big Momma of Shunem feedeth Elisha

Elisha promiseth the Big Momma of Shunem that she will embrace a man-child

Yael eraseth the head of General Sisera in his sleep

Vashti the feminist heroine (there’s an old Israeli children’s play rhyme about ‘Vashti the Baldie’, I have no idea why)

Ahasueras sends a message to Vashti, commanding her to come and dance for his guests

Hadassah aka Esther winneth the first ever beauty contest

I hope you enjoyed the book– any questions, comments or job opportunities, write to [email protected] and check out http://www.avikatz.net