cherry

happy

You thought i was rich and i am but not how you think
I live in a tudor house under the freeway in Mar Vista by the beach
when you call i take my phone outside to the picnic table
that i bought from the Rose Bowl
and i listen to the rushing cars above
and i think about the last time you visited me
the last time we made love
how the noise got louder and louder during rush hour
and it felt like the ocean was the sky
and that i was flying because you were two feet taller than me
until you took me in your arms
and i could touch the stars
and they all fell down around my head
and i became and angel
and you put me to bed
happy

People think that i’m rich and i am but not how they think
i have a truck with a gold key chain in the ignition
and on the back it says: happy joyous and free
happy

and when i drive
i think about the last time my friends were driving with me
how the radio was so loud that we couldn’t hear the words
so we became the music
happy

They write that i’m rich and i am but not how they think
i have a safe i call the boyfriend box
and in it every saved receipt
every movie theater ticket just to remind me
of all the things i’ve loved and lost and love again
unconditionally

You joke that i’m rich and i am but not how you think
i live in a tudor house under the freeway
off of Rose Avenue 12 blocks from the beach
and when you call i put your sweater on
and put you on speaker
and chat for hours underneath the trees
and think about the last time you were here lying next to me
how the noise from the cars got louder and louder
during rush hour
until it sounded like a river or a stream
and it felt like we were swimming
but it wasn’t just a dream
we were just

happy

never to heaven

May my eyes always stay level to the horizon
may they never gaze as high as heaven
to ask why
May I never go where angels fear to tread
so as to have to ask for answers in the sky
The whys in this lifetime i’ve found are inconsequential
compared to the magic of the nowness- the solution to most
questions
there are no reasons.
and if there are- i’m wrong
but at least i won’t have spent my life waiting
looking for God in the clouds of the dawn
or listening out for otherwordly contact
30 billion light years on
No. i’ll let the others do the pondering
while i’ll be sitting on the lawn
readin something unsubstantial
with the television on
I’ll be up early to rise though of course-
but only to make you a pot of coffee
That’s what i was thinking this morning Joe
that it’s times like this as the marine layer lifts
off the sea from the view of our favorite restaurant
that i pray that i may
always keep my eyes level to your eyeline
never downcast at the table cloth
You see, Joe
it’s times like this that the marine layer lifts
off the sea on the dock with out candle lit
that i think to myself
there are things you still don’t know about me
like sometimes i’m afraid my sadness is too big
and that one day you might have to help me handle it

but until then
may i always keep my eyes level to this skyline
assessing the glittering new development
off of the coast of Long Beach
never to heaven or revenant
Because i have faith in man as strange as that seems
in times like these
and it’s not just because of the warmth i’ve found in your
brown eyes
but because i believe in the goodness in me
that it’s firm enough to plant a flag in
or a
rosebud
or to build a new life.

what happened when i left you

Perfect petals punctuate the fabrics yellow blue
silver platters with strawberries strewn across the room

In Zimmerman with sandals on one summer dress to choose

Three girls
eyes rolled
loud laughter
dust specs lit by afternoon

My life is sweet like lemonade now there’s no bitter fruit
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
no thought of you

My thoughts have changed
my voice is higher
now I’m over you

No flickering in my head movies
projected in Bellevue

Because I captured the mood of my wish fulfilled
and sailed to Xanadu

The grief that came in waves that rolled I navigated through
The fire from my wish as wind to future trip to Malibu

now everything I have is perfect
nothing much to do

just perfect florals
green embroidered chairs
one dress to choose.

la who am i to love you

I left my city for San Francisco
Took a free ride off a billionaire’s jet
L.A, I’m from nowhere, who am I to love you?
L.A, I’ve got nothing, who am I to love you when I’m feeling this way and I’ve got nothing to offer?
L.A, not quite the city that never sleeps
Not quite the city that wakes, but the city that dreams, for sure
If by dreams you mean in nightmares

L.A, I’m a dreamer, but I’m from nowhere, who am I to dream?
L.A, I’m upset, I have complaints, listen to me
They say I came from money and I didn’t, and I didn’t even have love, and it’s unfair
L.A, I sold my life rights for a big checks and I’m upset
And now I can’t sleep at night and I don’t know why
Plus, I love Saks, so why did I do that when I know it won’t last?

L.A, I picked San Francisco because the man who doesn’t love me lives there
L.A, I’m pathetic, but so are you, can I come home now?
Daughter to no one, table for one
Party of thousands of people I don’t know at Delilah where my ex-husband works
I’m sick of this, but can I come home now?
Mother to no one, private jet for one
Back home to the Tudor house that borned a thousand murder plots
Hancock Park, it’s treated me very badly, I’m resentful
The witch on the corner, the neighbor nobody wanted
The reason for Garcetti’s extra security

L.A, I know I’m bad, but I have nowhere else to go, can I come home now?
I never had a mother, will you let me make the sun my own for now, and the ocean my son?
I’m quite good at tending to things despite my upbringing, can I raise your mountains?
I promise to keep them greener, make them my daughters, teach them about fire, warn them about water
I’m lonely, L.A, can I come home now?

I left my city for San Francisco
And I’m writing from the Golden Gate Bridge
But it’s not going as I planned
I took a free ride off a billionaire and brought my typewriter and promised myself that I would stay but
It’s just not going the way that I thought
It’s not that I feel different, and I don’t mind that it’s not hot
It’s just that I belong to no one, which means there’s only one place for me
The city not quite awake, the city not quite asleep
The city that’s still deciding how good it can be

And also
I can’t sleep without you
No one’s ever really held me like you
Not quite tightly, but certainly I feel your body next to me
Smoking next to me
Vaping lightly next to me
And I love that you love the neon lights like me
Orange in the distance
We both love that
And I love that we have that in common
Also, neither one of us can go back to New York
For you are unmoving
As for me, it won’t be my city again until I’m dead
Fuck the New York Post!

L.A, who am I to need you when I’ve needed so much, asked for so much?
But what I’ve been given, I’m not sure yet
I may never know that either until I’m dead
For now though, what I do know
Is although I don’t deserve you–
Not you at your best, in your splendor
With towering eucalyptus trees that sway in my dominion
Not you at your worst–
Totally on fire, unlivable, unbreathable, I need you

You see, I have no mother
And you do
A continental shelf
A larger piece of land from where you came
And I?
I’m an orphan
A little seashell that rests upon your native shores
One of many, for sure
But because of that, I surely must love you closely to the most of anyone

For that reason– let me love you
Don’t mind my desperation
Let me hold you, not just for vacation
But for real and for forever
Make it real life
Let me be a real wife to you
Girlfriend, lover, mother, friend
I adore you
Don’t be put off by my quick-wordedness
I’m generally quite quiet
Quite a meditator, actually
I’ll do very well down by Paramhansa Yogananda’s realization center, I’m sure
I promise you’ll barely even notice me
Unless you want to notice me
Unless you prefer a rambunctious child
In which case, I can turn it on, too
I’m quite good on the stage as you may know
You might have heard of me

So either way, I’ll fit in just fine
So just love me by doing nothing
And perhaps, by not shaking the county line
I’m yours if you’ll have me
But regardless, you’re mine

paradise is very fragile

Paradise is very fragile,
and it seems like it’s only getting worse

Down here in Florida
We’re fighting red toxic tides
Mass of fish kills
Not to mention hurricanes and rising sea levels

Back in Los Angeles, things aren’t looking much better
My treehouse that’d been standing for 60 years succumbed to the Woolsey fires

Who would’ve thought that this year at 33
You would’ve been taken out from under me
After all those years

Built from the ground up, by hand, by your very first owner
Quiet world war one, aviation pilot
I tried to save you but the horses and the german shepherds were more important

Paradise is very fragile,
and it seems like it’s only getting worse

Our leader is a megalomaniac,
And we’ve seen that before
But never because it was what the country deserved

My friends tell me to stop calling 911 on the culture,
but it’s either that or I 5150 myself

They don’t understand
I’m a dreamer
And I had big dreams for the country
Not for what it could do, but how it could feel
How it could think, how it could dream

I know
Who am I to dream for you?
It’s just that in my own mind
I was born with a little bit of paradise
I was lucky in that way
Not like my husband
Who was born and raised in hell

I always had something gentle to give
All of me, in fact
It’s one of the beautiful things about me
It’s one of the beautiful things about nature

But lately I’ve been thinking that I wish
Someone had told me when I was younger
More about the inhabitants that thrive off of paradise

That should they take too much,
There would be nothing left to give
Not everyone’s nature is golden and green
And you can’t fight what’s in your nature

I got to thinking about it as
We were fighting the fires in Agora
But I’m tired of fighting you

Paradise is very fragile,
and it seems like it’s only getting worse

And every time I think of that,
I think about the curse bestowed upon Eve, that fateful eve,
She took that bite of fruit from that fruitful tree.
And this summer night, you in front of me,
Makes me contemplate the origins of good and evil

Because you take and you take and take and you take,
But you taste like the beach and a kiss
Candy for my eyes
In my veins you run citrus

Watercolor images of serpents on orange trees
Arise in my midst
Kundalini, you breathe me
I could do this forever

But my heart is very fragile,
and I have nothing left to give

quiet waiter blue forever

You move like water sweet baby sweet waiter
making the night smile to no one you cater
silent wood worker from midnight till later
my lover my laughter my armor my maker
The way that i feel with you is something like aching
inside of my stomach the cosmos are baking
a universe hung like a mobile
the alignment of these planets unique
in me the earth moves around the sun
no land all sea
water world
sun chaser
tropic of cancer
southern equater
i’m the crying crustacean
sunbathing on paper
moon.
Let’s rewrite the beginning of this primordial ooze
shall we my love
Am i being brazen for saying this year makes me feel
like we could’ve wrote it better
than him?
But who am i
just a girl in love dreaming on paper
rearranging the salt for the pepper
in love with you
my quiet waiter
Summer
blue
Forever
call me when you’re done with work
i’ll pick you up later
the darker the better
five after midnight
the darker the better