Kiss her head 3 times

Every night when we go to sleep, I kiss her head 3 times.

Not once, not 10 times, not 40, just 3 times.

Exactly 3 time in a clockwise order that start with the forehead and ends above her left ear.

Why 3 times? Don’t know, ask my OCD.

When you’re in love and imagining for the millionth time what it’s like to live with your loved one, you see everything down to the small details, and the really small details.

How she will take over the kitchen and won’t let me touch it, how we will fight over whose books will be on the better shelf, of course you will give her a kiss at the end and say, “all yours baby” and the little smile on her face is worth it.

How all you want in the world is to come home after a long day and see her on the couch and just jump on her and hug her and not let go until she gets a little mad but it’s worth it.

And that’s just the small details.

My really small details come down to what angle I will put the keys on the table and which key will be on top, it’s making sure 14 times exactly that the door is locked at night so that she feels safe, and God forbid she doesn’t fear for a moment, she must feel safe.

It’s going to bed when you know all the lights in the house are off but still getting up to check because a little light in the hall wakes her up and she has an important day at work tomorrow. And maybe also check that they work, 6 times to be exact, but only the living room light, I’m not crazy.

And suddenly she walks away from you, actually no, suddenly she flies away from you and you’re stuck behind the door you’ve locked 14 times and you know that she’s moving away ,and all the little details that there aren’t enough papers in the world to write them all are gone.

And for a while now you are stuck behind the door thinking where is she, what is she doing, is her hair is pulled back with the clip the way I like? She already went to the garage to fix the warning light that came on in her car and makes me anxious at night that something will happen to her?

And wait, what if someone touches her at all? What if someone holds her hand and it’s not me, if he kisses her head just once before going to sleep and he doesn’t care that it’s not perfect and he doesn’t know that this head deserves exactly 3 kisses every night.

I want her back and want her next to me to hug and not leave even when she gets a little angry not to leave.

I want her back so bad I leave the lights on.

I don’t lock the door anymore.