How to Babysit Your Grandma

Someone is knocking at the door. It might be your grandma coming to babysit you. It might not be your grandma. Get your taser ready.

Look through the peephole. If it’s a wolf, you’re in the wrong book.

If it’s a stranger, it might still be your long lost grandmother who had dementia and now doesn’t. Or the mother of your father who left home when you were one. Exercise caution. Turn the page.

Let’s say you know your grandmother. Let her in. Ask her if she’d like something to drink. You know where your Dad keeps his best scotch.

If your grandmother prefers her scotch on ice, argue with her.

If she insists, tell her to go fetch it herself.

If, at any stage, your grandmother ceases to move, she may be drunk or dead.

If she is breathing, she is probably drunk.

If she is not breathing, she might be dead or dying.

If you like her, apply CPR and call 911.

If you don’t like her, wait half an hour. Then apply CPR and call 911.

If your grandmother is just drunk and asleep, that is fine. You can do whatever you want. Take her phone and go to all the websites your parents prevent you from watching. Pour yourself some scotch (drink it if you are old enough to drink, of course). Watch some adult content on Netflix.

Have fun. This won’t last forever.

When Grandma wakes up, ask her whether you are in her will. If you are, make her some coffee and have a nice conversation till your parents get back.

If you’re not in her will, pour her some more scotch.