Wikishmedia (If only Jimmy Wales were Jewish…)

Disclaimer (whatever that is)

This is a book, in dictionary format, of Jewish humor, according to me, and should be construed as such. What Wikipedia might look like if it were written by Auntie Sadie.

If I’ve insulted anyone, I apologize in advance. If you want to sue me, sue me, but remember that my daughter is an excellent lawyer.

In short, I do hope you enjoy this tongue-in-cheek peek at how our grandparents might have looked at the universe. And if you don’t then no big deal. I didn’t charge you to read it.

Finally, if you are not Jewish, then please do not quote this book at a party, especially if there are Jewish people there. Some of the definitions might be construed as making fun of Jewish people, and this is something only Jews are permitted to do.

A

Allergy

Is when you get a runny nose. I know a few people who would be better off if their nose ran and hid somewhere.

Arousal

When the dog wakes you up to pee.

Avada

Of course.

Avayda

A loss.

B

Banana

A divinely perfect fruit. You eat it when it’s ripe, bake a cake when it’s rotten. Doesn’t even need a fridge! Who says the Ribboynosheloylam isn’t the greatest?

Bei Mir Bistu Shein (actually בײַ מיר ביסטו שיין)

Nice song, written by Jews, sold for a song (thirty dollars, can you believe?), performed by three talented ladies (not members of the tribe, though)

Berlin, Irving

A Jewish boy who wrote a song about another Jewish boy. Boy, did he make a living!

Bone

What the butcher tries to sneak into your meat. (Why, what were you thinking, Milton?)

Brief

Sex with my husband.

Break a Leg

What I’ll do to you if you so much as look at Eva again

Bungalow

Where poor Jews and academics live.

C

Cannibals

Shrimps, mayleh.  Cannibals? feh, that’s traif.

Celebration

When my boss was fired.

Christmas

A Jewish holiday. Gentiles move trees. Jews move merchandise.

Circumcision

The unkindest cut of all. Jews do it to their eight day old male infants.  We male Jews spend the rest of our lives having Gentile penis envy.  Not to be confused with circumvention, castration and constipation.

Charity

Giving and telling

Chaste

Someone who wasn’t…

Cottage cheese

What cottage? This stuff is great at home too, try it with fruit.

Christina

I know some Jewish girls named Christina. What do you want? Jesus was Jewish, after all, wasn’t he?

Cleavage

Gezunt women flaunt it, then get upset when men admire it.

Cocktail

A good way to sell cheap liquor

Common cold

When someone you don’t like gets it, it’s a common cold.  When you get it, it’s the flu.

Cost of goods

Retail  – Too expensive

Wholesale  –  Less expensive

Cost  –  Now you’re talking.

Below cost  – The colors have faded a bit

Constructive criticism

Contradiction in terms. Either you like and say so, then it’s not criticism. You don’t like, you say so.  Then it’s not constructive.

Credit Card

When we were kids we thought that money grows on trees. Today’s kids are smarter. They know that money doesn’t grow on trees.

It comes out of walls.

D

Dentist

Good profession for your son or daughter, if they’re not smart enough to be real doctors

Doctor

Every family should have one, and I don’t mean a Ph.D.

Dummy

People who play too much bridge sometimes end up like this.

E

Ergonometric

I have no idea. Ask Seymour. He knows everything, except what’s important

Existential , Extemporaneous, Extracorporeal

I told you, go ask Seymour.

F

Farshtunkeneh

Stinking.  Joyce, turn that farshtunkeneh music down.

Far vos?

The opposite of “Far vos nisht”?

G

Gershwin

You mean George the musician or his brother Yisroel the songwriter? They both made their Mom proud.

Good deal

Two-for-one is a good deal. You buy two dresses for the price of one, wait till the sale is over, keep one and return for full refund the one you wore at the wedding.  You got a better example?

Google

A great success for two kids who didn’t even know how to spell.

Gossip

What yentas do all day.  As in “I don’t like to gossip, but did I mention that I saw Fred and Betty eyeing one another at the butcher’s…”

H

Hay fever

A summer roll in the hay? A baby in May….

The above is an excerpt from a poem which I’m sure you like was written by my husband Steven, who by the way, does have hay fever in May. But if he ever rolls in the hay, I’ll shoot him.

Hammer

Pete Seeger had a hammer. Most Jews wouldn’t know what to do with one.

Hemmorrhoids

A krenk, only someone you dislike should have them.

Hockey

A dangerous sport. If you’re going to be in the ice business, better diamonds than hockey.

Humor

When somebody you don’t know laughs at your jokes.

Hutspah

A hereditary factor, common among Jews, dates back to the time of David and Bat Sheva. See also shanda, and oy vey

I

Incarcerated

My dodge is in the garage. It’s incarcerated.

In-laws

Like outlaws, only in-laws you have to visit them once in a while.

Inuit

Used to be Eskimos. Then they were Inuits. Now they are aboriginals. Next thing you know, they’ll want their own country.

J

Jazz

For Jews, it’s music invented by Benny Goodman

Jesus

Had a bris, a bar-mitzvah, kept kosher, went to shul.  You can paint him blond with a pug nose, but like it or not he was one of us.

K

Kohl Nidre

The prayer in Aramaic that begins the Yom Kippur fast.  The only time Jews shut up in shul.

Kosher

Ok for religious Jews to much on at the luncheon.

Jew’s contribution to Moslems everywhere.

L

Locusts

Some rabbis think they’re kosher. So they should eat them.

Lizards

Definitely not a kosher animal.

Lobsters

Traif, but delicious. Order in, eat on disposable dishes.

M

Maid

A girl who hasn’t been made.

Manishewitz

Many Jews grow up thinking this is actually wine.

Mayven

An expert.  My husband is such a mayven on the stock exchange, his friends made millions from his advice.  But he loses money.

Medium

The size I used to fit into. I didn’t get fat, they made the size smaller.

Milk

You call that milk?  When we were kids, and the milkman would come by with the glass bottles with the cream on top, That was milk!!

Moon

Where you’ll be if you don’t buy me those earrings.

Alternate: Something you grind and put into homentashen

N

Noise

That music you’re listening to, for example.

A nechtiger tog

Blue moon, but on a daily basis

O

Orgasm

Chicken soup with kneidlach.

Orthopedists

Arm and leg doctors.  They charge an arm and a leg.

P

Popcorn

The kernels that don’t pop get me very upset, I paid for them too. Otherwise, I must admit that popcorn is an example of great packaging. And highly profitable. Probably invented by Jews.

Q

Questions

If you know the answer, why are you asking?
If you don’t know, stop bugging me and go find out.

Or you can ask Bob Rosenschein.

R

Restaurant

Anything they can do, I can make cheaper in the kitchen, and you won’t get stomach poisoning either.  The probably have roaches, and the waiter doesn’t wash his hands after taking a crepe.  Did you look at their bathroom? Givalt.

Ribboynosheloylam

Who we pray to. You don’t pray? It’s never too late.

Rye Whisky

Canadian Jews made a killing selling this stuff during Prohibition.

Definitely not kosher for Passover

S

School

Corrective rehabilitation for kids of all ages.

Shikor

Someone who has had more to drink than I have.

Sex

Something that gives women headaches.

“What, Morris, you want sex again this week?  What have you done to deserve it? Take out the garbage, mow the lawn and we’ll talk.  And brush your teeth, after that herring you ate yesterday.”

Shabbes

The day of rest.  Observant Jews go to shul on Shabbes, where they talk about what they observed during the week.

Shlep

Pull, in more ways than one.  But a shlepper, that’s a different story

Shlepper

A ne’er do well.

Shopping

Something many women prefer to sex.

Shul

Synagogue or school. People gab in both. Children are shushed in both.

Skiing

There’s no business like snow business.

Only a meshugina pays a fortune to go out in the snow, get dragged up a hill so he can slide down again, often on his tuches.   But the orthopedists, oh boy, they just love winter sports.

Stand

What you do when you can’t sit, for example when Shirley had hemorrhoids.

Stigma (see also shanda)

When they catch you nibbling on Yom Kippur

Stand-up Comedian

A funny guy with hemorrhoids.

Sugar

What you called me before the kids were born.

T

Teachers

Masochists  with long vacations.

Tefillin

What Jewish boys wear briefly after their bar mitzvahs.

Tree

A plant with a solid upbringing.

V

Ventriloquist

Like when your stomach grumbles,  but words come out

W

Water

They put gas in it and sell it for a dollar a bottle.  My Morris has so much gas to bottle, we could make a mint.

Y

Yenta

Before there were bloggers, before there were journalists, there were the yentas.  Anything you want to know about anybody, anytime, you don’t even have to ask the yenta. She’ll tell you.  Yentas spread rehilus (gossip for the rest of us), which is frowned on in Judaism, but is as widespread as the common cold.

Yogurt

Companies let the milk to go bad, sell it to you for three times the price, and have the nerve to tell you it’s good for you.  A maiseh!  Actually, I don’t know whether it’s good for you or not, but it’s certainly good for them…

Z

Zaida

The guy that married Bubba.

Zirconium

Did you see her ring? Must be five carats. I’ll bet you ten bucks it’s zirconium.