Why Turtles Live Longer

Dedicated to my parents, Amit and Shuli,

my sister, Michal,

and Yurtle the Turtle, who is now soup.

Once upon a time, there was a turtle. He was a little turtle, and his name was Georgie. He lived in Michigan City, Indiana, which, apart from its odd name, had absolutely nothing at all to contribute to society. Georgie himself was not a particularly interesting turtle— he was exceptionally ordinary.

For all his averageness, his normalcy, his sheer and utter lack of interesting qualities, Georgie lived a fairly good life. Nothing too special, but it was alright, if you asked him. He wouldn’t complain, really, maybe just about not having a car, which meant he had to walk a bit, but that was fine, since Georgie rather enjoyed walking, and besides, he could use the exercise. He didn’t have opposable thumbs with which to operate a steering wheel anyway.

One day, however, something very curious happened. All of Georgie’s friends died. No, not all at once, but one by one, Georgie’s human friends began to die. Obesity killed many of them: one out of every five, actually. Well, only one, really, since Georgie didn’t have that many friends. He was sort of unpleasant, and people didn’t really like to be around him. Come to think of it, that may have contributed to the deaths of the few friends he did have. 

Two more died in traffic accidents, which made Georgie even happier he didn’t own a car. Dreadful. Another died of cancer. He smoked cigarettes, which is a terrible habit, but is unrelated, since he died of male breast cancer. It turned out that the estrogen supplements he took to maintain the shine on his fingernails ended up nailing him. The last friend died of what is known in the death industry as “All Other Causes.” Georgie never found out if it was a result of one of the more modern causes of death, like Excess Masturbation to Online Pornography, or a more traditional cause of death, like leprosy.

But Georgie didn’t die. Why? It turns out, it’s all pretty simple. He just followed ten simple steps.

1. He never went anywhere with a high likelihood of getting infected with a disease, like sewers, or New Jersey. You’d be surprised how many people make this mistake. (Sewers especially. Very few people actually stop and get out of their cars in New Jersey, on account of the stench.)

2. He made love to his wife constantly. Of course, eventually she would fall asleep, because as we all know, turtles are not the most passionate lovers, but still. Slow and steady wins the race.

3. He never wore crocs brand shoes, which are liable to get you beat up (getting beat up is bad for your health). Of course, he had the added concern of accidentally angering neighbouring crocodiles.

4. His nephew, Pierre, was a specially trained assassin who killed anyone who would so much as look at Georgie the wrong way. Now this can’t really be given as advice, unless you happen to also have Pierre as your nephew, which is highly unlikely, but if you can, try your best to do so.

5. He didn’t eat too many fatty foods. Now this just makes sense, but also his digestive system would immediately reject it.

6. He learned something new every day. However, at the age of around 170, he developed Alzheimer’s, which made this exercise purely a waste of time.

7. He didn’t move too much. This is not so much out of lack of intention, but more so because good shells are hard to come by.

8. Even when he would have to move away, he never burned bridges. This would make him an arsonist, and arsonists go to prison, where the life expectancy is less than it is in Michigan City, Indiana (but only slightly less).

9. In his last life, he was truly an okay guy, which according to the Vaishnavism branch of Hinduism, meant he was reincarnated as a turtle, like Vishnu was after a brief stint as a fish. His long life, which means he has more time before he must be reincarnated as a boar, which everyone can agree is the most infuriating animal to be.

10. He never stood for injustice, and whenever he saw it, he would lie down and have a nap.

But all good things must come to an end, and so, one day, Georgie died too.

Fin.