Napism

.Info

 

(Available for gift-giving in paperback and Kindle (formatted better than possible here.))

 

Mik “van Winkle” Hetu

  

Copyright © 2013 Mik Hetu

All rights reserved.

ISBN-10: 1482373823

ISBN-13: 978-1482373820

 

 

DEDICATION

  

To my mama,

who told me to go ahead and dream

(and then mumbled something about

 “never gonna amount to much anyway.”)

(Just kiddin’, Ma!)

  

 

CONTENTS

  

	Foreword (by The Dalai Napa)	i
1	History and Current Status	Pg #1
2	Clues to Identifying a Napist	Pg #11
3	Napist Quotations	Pg #19
4	A Napa Sutra  (List of Napping Styles)	Pg#27
5	Napist Wisdom (Adages and Aphorisms)	Pg #35
6	Napfucious	Pg #41
7	N’Apseop’s Fables	Pg #45
8	Codes, Oaths, Vows, & Pledges	Pg #51
9	Club Mottos	Pg #57

  

 

Appendices

  

1	The Nap Flag	Pg #63
2	The Dalai Napa	Pg #65
3	Napist Monastery Staff (USA)	Pg #69
4	Napist Retreat Staff (USA)	Pg #71
5	Nap Council Members (USA)	Pg #73
6	Olympic Napping Teams	Pg #75
7	N.A.R.P.	Pg #79
8	Seminars	Pg #81
9	Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)	Pg #89
10	A.N.A.L. (Anti-Napping-Action-League)	Pg #91

 

  

 

Foreword

By The Dalai Napa

 

Sleep: the final frontier.  These are the thoughts of the Nap Masters, their continuing mission: to explore strange new dreamworlds; to seek out new nap places, positions, and styles; to boldly nap when and where no one has napped before . . .

Thank you for reading this little book to learn about Napism.  Whether they know it or not, most families do have at least one Napist, and many times even that person does not fully know it himself.  With this book in hand, talk with your family members.  Like love, skilled and artful napping can add depth and dimension to your life.

Be well; Be happy; Be napping.

  

 

Note that this is both a book and a website, each with material better suited to each medium.  For example, the website has a video of a “Napping blues” song, FREE downloadable Napist screen savers, and so on.

 

  

Chapter 1

(partial, cont’d in book)

History and Current Status

  

Napism (nap·ism; nap-izəm; noun; Etymology: Middle English nappen, from Old English hnappian; akin to Old High German hnaffezen)

a)     the belief that the habit of short periods of sleep during the day are for many reasons good for adults, especially middle-aged men;

b)    a lifestyle;

c)     an art form.

 

Most importantly though, and what Napism’s critics seem to have the hardest time understanding, is that Napism is a vehicle for spiritual growth, perhaps the most easily accessible vehicle known to man, worldwide.

Like Quakers, who believe that each and every human being has a direct connection to God, Napists are encouraged to nap in their own particular way.  Although Napism does have quite a long history, it does not have a formal doctrine, central church, temple, or shrine, or an official leader.  It does, however, have a popularly recognized leader, the Dalai Napa.  Currently, circa 2013, he is an impressively humble middle-aged American man with stunning good looks, dazzling charm, and irresistible charisma, and is known for his wit and whimsy.  He does make appearances worldwide but spends most of his time at the American Napist Monastery (in California, in Napa Valley), the Napist Corporate Retreat and Resort (in Maryland, on the lovely and restful Chesapeake Bay, at Knapps Narrows), and, of course, on his couch, recliner, and hammock.  By learning just a bit about the Napist Monastery and the Retreat, you can gain insight into Napism.

The Napist Monastery is modeled after the ShaoLin temples of China.  Here, practitioners come to avoid distractions in the practice and refinement of their napping technique and skill, which they call Nap-Fu (some pronounce it with the accent on the last syllable, as in karat-te.)  . . . (cont’d in book)

 

 

Chapter 2

(partial, cont’d in book)

Clues to identifying a Napist

  

Do not doubt that there are Napist among your family and friends.  If they haven’t declared that they are indeed Napist, you can reliably identify a Napist – usually – without resorting to the making a pointed, direct inquiry (which is just bad form).  Repeated and consistent use of Napist lingo, Napist terms, and references to Napist culture is usually a good clue; below is a partial list, with examples:

 

(FYI: if you are a Napist, and accomplished in the art, you may be eligible for a Nap Master Certificate, available at www.Napism.INFO)

 

Using descriptive names for various kinds of naps (See Chapter 4) Amateurs and dabblers in the art will say “I think I’ll take a little nap”; Napists will say, “Y’know, I think this is the perfect setting for a ‘Cowboy Nap.’”  They’ll claim a “Nothing-Else-To-Do-While-You’re-Cooking-Dinner Nap” or a “Proper-Preparation-For-Cocktail-Hour Nap.”  They’ll say “Man, was that ever a Runaway Nap!”,  or “When should I schedule my ‘Holiday Nap?’”, or “Y’know, I think it’s a bit too humid for a Hat-Over-The-Face Nap”, etc., etc., ad infinitum (or, as some critics have been known to say, ad nauseum.)

Using acronyms as shorthand for naming naps DPN – Disaster Preventing Nap; Pondering Procrastinating About It-Nap – (a.k.a. PPAIN, so yes, critics have said that this style has a very appropriate acronym); FNS – Finish the Night’s Sleep Nap; PN or TN – Practice or Training Nap. (There are, of course, many more . . .)

Using euphemisms for napping Example: “No, Dear, my sweet, delicate prairie flower. Despite appearances I am NOT about to nap: I am actively engaged in a ’planning session’.  I soon shall be in a period of such intense meditation, such intense intellectual activity that all of my highly-focused and productive energy will be concentrated in my brain thereby rendering my body motionless, almost paralyzed.  So don’t bother me; go away.”

Prefixing words with “nap” and suffixing the word “nap” Prefixing examples: “This porch design is nap-tastic!” “Your new sofa looks rather nap-alicious!” Suffixing examples: -ify: “Hold on there, Little Missy!  Maybe you ought to rein in that to-do list and nap-ify your attitude!” -ly”: “I’m thinkin’ the only way to approach this task is in a nap-ly manner.” -able: “Y’know, your incessant fidgeting is not making this a very nap-able situation.” -ish:  “I don’t know if I’m up for that; I’m feeling kind of nap-ish.” -ity, -osity: “This cold, rainy weather sure has filled the air with a lot of nappin-osity, hasn’t it?” -eous: “Y’know, I think all that warm sunlight coming through the window has released some nap-eous vapors from this old sofa’s stuffing . . . when was it made?  What country?” (Among Napist newbies, this tends to be overused, reminiscent of the cartoon Smurfs “smurfing” this and “smurfing” that until just about every noun, verb, and adjective was “smurfed.”  For Napists, yes, there are intervention programs available as extreme cases can be incredibly annoying.)

 

  . . . (cont’d in book)

 

Chapter 4

(partial, cont’d in book)

The Napa Sutra

 

Of course the original Napa Sutra was written by Shah’llaii’sa’leep in ancient Napopotamia; that popular tome’s title has since been used as a generic term for any book of napping styles and technique.  Here Napa Sutra is used just as the title of a list of the napping styles currently popular, circa early 21^st century.

 

(Arranged here alphabetically;

sorted by popular vote on the website.)

 

(By the way, if you’ve developed a nap style all your own, you can have it added to www.Napism.Info,

credited to your name.)

 

Accidental

After-Kissing-Not-a-Thought-in-My-Head-Except-“Mmmm”

Airport-Terminal

Al Fresco

Back-Porch

Beach-Blanket – with the hypnotic rhythm of King Naptune’s surf, the blended voices of children playing in the sand, and the warmth of the sun baking your body, who can resist?

Book-on-Chest

Bored-to-Tears-and-CAN’T-Go-Somewhere-Else

Borg – when resistance is futile

Bus-Terminal – very similar to Airport-Terminal, the main difference being that the napper has to keep one eye open and maintain a firm grip on his bags.

California-style “Extreme”

Competitive – not in the spirit of sport but more of one-upsmanship

Cosmically-Ordained – who are you to argue when the Gods speak and make their wishes known?

Couch – (full-out prone position; see Sofa and Reclining-Chair)

Cowboy – called this because the image of a cowboy lying in shaded grass with his head on his saddle and hat over his face epitomizes the spirit of a nap well-earned by hard labor.

Coyote Nap – ya, you know what this is, and if you don’t, go ask your father.

Cuddle

Culinary-Coma – a heightened form of the Help-Digestion style, this is most often accomplished with the help of holiday zeal in the form of lots of turkey.

Desperate Nap – when you need a nap so badly you can barely think of doing anything else.

Disaster Prevention Nap – when you’re feeling just a bit cranky and you know that you will need to be at your clear-headed, energetic best for an imminent task (making irreparable cuts on a nearly complete expensive wood project, navigating a boat, making any kind of important decision, etc.)

Don’t-Bother-Knocking-Cause-I’m-Going-To-Be-Focused-On-Some-Technical-Work-For-An-Hour-Or-So

 – Developed by a Retired U.S. Marine residing in Preferred Anonymity, Pennsylvania

 

  . . . (cont’d in book) (100 nap styles and counting!)

 

From The Dalai Napa:

I’d post more of the book here, but I sense a nap lurking nearby . . .

Choose to snooze: Nap long and prosper . . .