Mel’s Ten Tips on Ruining a Good Relationship
Copyright © 2017
Tip Number One: Your oral hygiene. Brush your teeth only once in a while. Floss only on your birthday. Never gargle with the mouthwash I invented. People you care for will take to the hills if your breath is bad and your teeth are caked with plaque. They won’t feel sorry for you, either. They’ll feel sorry for themselves.
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Tip Number Two: Your body hygiene. Yes, I’m sure you read somewhere that there is something in human sweat that is sexually attractive. But the rest of your stench will keep loved ones and friends at bay. So in order to ruin relationships, stop showering, wear synthetic shirts and wash them once a month. If at all.
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Tip Number Three: Be a poor listener. There are so many of us around who like to talk (especially professors), and so few people who actually like to listen. Why should we be in the minority?
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Tip Number Four: Talk down to people. Be opinionated and dogmatic. Why? Because I told you so.
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Tip Number Five: Don’t pick up the tab. Invite a friend or colleague to lunch, eat like a pig and when they offer (out of Canadian or British politeness) to pick up the bill, just say, “OK”. After all, they were lucky to bask in your presence.
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Tip Number Six: Be direct. Tell people when they’ve gained weight, their hair looks awful and their clothes are old and out of fashion. They might thank you for alerting them to these facts. But then again, they will hate you for it.
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Tip Number Seven: Never admit you’re wrong. Even when you are. Especially when you are. Politicians do it all the time, and look how much money they make!
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Tip Number Eight: Belittle everyone else’s religious views. Except your own.
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Tip Number Nine: Malicious gossip is great for ruining relationships. Enjoy being a gossiper. After all, how could anything that makes you feel so good be bad?
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Tip Number Ten (when all else fails): Tag people in compromising photos and advertise on their Facebook walls.
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Bonus Tip: Invade people’s space. Stand close to them and talk loudly. Poke them incessantly. That ought to do the trick.
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Published: Sep 17, 2017
Latest Revision: Mar 19, 2018
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Copyright © 2017
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