The King Who Wasn’t Tall Enough – The Play

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The King who wasn’t Tall Enough

Mel Rosenberg

Copyright 2015 All rights reserved

Narrator (deep voice, reverb):

Ladies and gentlemen. Harrumph. And children.  Welcome to the kingdom of Mediocracy. Our story begins with the young prince Median who was a regular boy.

Median:   (Median enters stage during narration above. Dressed in a regal outfit that conceals the fact that he is walking on his knees):  (looks up and around). Who you calling regular?

Narrator:  Sorry, prince Median.  He wasn’t too tall. And he wasn’t too small.

Median:  Well you just wait. When I am king. I will be the tallest in all the land. No one shall be taller than the king. Nothing shall be higher than the king. The king will be higher than everything. You’ll see, whoever you are. I’ll be taller than you as well!! (Grumpily) I better.

Narrator:  Prince Median grew and grew and became a grown up. He wasn’t tall, but he wasn’t small. (gets up off his knees).

And then one day, he did become king (sound of trumpets blaring, his counsellor who comes from close behind puts a crown on his head).

Counsellor:   Congratulations, your majesty.

Median:    Majesty, shmajesty.  From now on, you will refer to me as ‘your HIGHness’.

Counsellor:  Congratulations, your HIGHness.

Median:   Your ‘very HIGHness’

Counsellor:  Your ‘HIGHESTness,

Median: Your very highestness

Counsellor:  Indeed, your majesty. (gets the mean look and elbows at waist from the king). Errr, I mean your very highestness.

Now that you are king, we have hundreds of people waiting to see you. Government ministers, judges, generals, visitors from far-off lands….We have laws to make, decisions to take,

Median:  Are any of them taller than the king?

Counsellor:  Well, I don’t really know. That is, I never checked. I suppose that some of them, a few of them, might be slightly taller than the king.

Median: His very highestness.

Counsellor:  Your very highestness.

Median:  Well, I don’t want to see anyone who is taller than me. Only those who are shorter than the king shall be allowed to see him. Me that is.

Counsellor: Yes my lord.

Median:  And in the meantime, please send in the royal cobbler.

Counsellor:  Yes, your royal very highestness.

Cobbler (enters, he is taller than the king):  Yes your majesty

(counsellor whispers in his ear)   Yes your royal very highestness

(counsellor again whispers in his ear; the cobbler bows over so to be lower than the king)

Median:   Royal cobbler, the king must be higher than everything. I command you to make me a pair of the tallest shoes in the kingdom.  (Cobbler bows, goes off stage, and comes back immediately with a pair of high heels. The king puts them on and waddles around in them. He looks at the cobbler disdainfully). Oh, this won’t do at all. Even you are still taller than the king. (To counsellor) Bring me the royal goldsmith immediately.

Royal goldsmith enters (the same character as cobbler, different glasses and top hat)

( he is taller than the king):  Yes your majesty

(counsellor whispers in his ear)   Yes your royal very highestness

(counsellor again whispers in his ear; the cobbler removes his top hat and bows over so to be lower than the king)

Median:  Royal goldsmith. I would like you to make me a very tall crown (gives him his small crown). The king must be taller than everything!

(Goldsmith walks off stage and the king kicks off the high heel shoes that are obviously bothering him. Goldsmith returns with very tall crown affixed to his top hat. Looks ridiculous). King tries it on and looks at erect goldsmith who is still taller than him. Becomes very angry. Points to goldsmith to leave his presence at once.)

Median: Royal counsellor, the king must be taller than everything. Bring me the royal carpenter.

Royal goldsmith enters (the same character as cobbler, different glasses and top hat)

( he is taller than the king):  Yes your majesty

(counsellor whispers in his ear)   Yes your royal very highestness

(counsellor again whispers in his ear; the cobbler removes his top hat and bows over so to be lower than the king)

Median: Royal carpenter, the king must be higher than everything. And nothing shall be higher than the king. You are to make me a very tall throne, so that I shall be the tallest in the kingdom.

Carpenter:  Yes your very very royal highestness. It shall be done (goes off stage and returns with tall throne).  He and the counsellor hoist him onto the throne. Carpenter leaves the stage).

Trumpets blare. The counsellor is holding a scroll.

Counsellor:  Hear ye, hear ye, the court of his majesty the royal highestness is now in session.

(to the king).  Your royal highestness, our prime minister, the right honorable Mr. P. Nutbutter. (Mr. Nutbutter, same character as cobbler etc. enters. He is obviously too tall.  The king is very upset and motions to him to leave the stage.

Median (to counsellor):  This will not do. He is too tall. Who appointed him to be prime minister.

Counsellor:  Your father.

Median: Can we replace him with someone, well, less… you know, you know.

Counsellor:  Perhaps, but he is very popular in the kingdom.

Median:  In that case, issue a royal decree.  (the counsellor begins writing on the scroll). From henceforth until eternity, anyone taller than the king shall walk bent over.

Counsellor:   Yes, my lord, it shall be law.

(The king looks at him. He looks back at the king until he ‘gets it’. Then he bends over).

Median:  Good, now we shall see Mr. P. Nutbutter.

(Mr. Nutbutter enters stage, all bent over, and begins to converse quietly with the king.)

Narrator:  For a while, all went well in the kingdom. Tall people went about their daily duties bent over. Anyone who was taller than the king and was caught standing up straight was severely punished. (the two actors cross the stage, one bent over and reading a paper, one bent over and dribbling a basketball). King Median was happy for a while, but one day….

Median: Counsellor, counsellor, come quickly (buzzing noise)

Counsellor (runs onto stage, forgets to bend over. Gets a look from the king, bends his knees quickly).

Median:  Counsellor, I have just seen a butterfly flying overhead. Didn’t I tell you that nothing shall be higher than the king. Bring the royal fly catcher and arrest this butterfly at once. (Catcher comes on stage, runs back and forth with net making ridiculous and unsuccessful attempts to catch the butterfly, buzzing continues in background).

Median:  This is terrible. This is awful. This is a national catastrophe. A conspiracy. I will not have it. Counsellor bring me the royal engineer. NOW!!!!

Royal engineer (runs on stage, same character of course):  Yes my king (bends his knees a little, but king gives him the look, bends them even more).  At your service, milord.

Median:   I am the king and this is MY kingdom. How dare butterflies and birds  fly higher than the king? The king must be taller than everything. Royal engineer, I want you to build me a tower so high, that I will be the tallest in all my kingdom. Well, what are you waiting for?

Narrator:  And so it was. The engineers worked day and night to build a tall tower for the king. At last it was ready. (Trumpets blare. The king crosses the stage, waving to the audience and begins climbing the royal tower to the pedestal.

Engineer (standing near cranking wheel opposite side of stage):  Are you at the top yet, your royal very highestness?

Median (looking up):  You call this the top?  I can see a bird flying overhead.  Raise me higher.

Narrator:  And the engineers raised the tower higher (the engineer on stage moves the wheel or crank)

Median:  Higher!

Narrator:  Higher

Median:  Higher

Narrator: and even higher. By this time, the king was so high he was in the clouds, and could not see anything at all.

Median:  Shut up down there!  I cannot see anything at all. Engineers, raise me higher.

(they raise him higher)

Median (looking down): Higher

(and higher)

Narrator:  By this time, the king was above the clouds. He could see his entire kingdom, far and wide. He was higher everything. He was happy.

Median (looking down, far and wide with satisfaction):  I am finally happy. For the first time in my life, I am higher than everything. Nothing is higher than the king (He looks at his watch).  Hmm, time for the royal dinner. Wouldn’t want to miss that.  Engineers, you can take me back down now.

Engineer (just stands by his wheel, doesn’t hear)

Median (shouting):  Engineer, can you hear me?

Engineer:   What, I can barely hear you? Raise you higher? No problem, my king (raises higher).

Median (shouting).  No, you babbling idiot. Take me down you fool.

Engineer (hand to his ear, shaking his head):  Higher?  No problem. Higher, higher, higher…..

Median:   Down, down down down

Engineer: Up, Up Up Up

Median: (voice disappearing)  down, down, down, down

Narrator:   Until the king’s voice disappeared altogether.

For days, the kingdom was quiet. People continued to walk bent over. But slowly they began to walk upright again.

And the king. Well, he is higher than everything. And these days we never do hear from him.

THE END