Mel’s 10 Tips on Becoming a Canadian

So you want to come live in Canada? A lot of people do lately. It isn’t easy being a Canadian. Here are ten tips from the expert.

Tip Number One: You want to immigrate? Go to the official website of the government, not a private company, masquerading as a government-sponsored website.

Tip Number Two: Learn to speak like a Canadian. Practice out and about. Add “eh” to the end of every sentence and question. Follow the instructional video.

Tip Number Three: Canada is a very cold place for six months a year. In the summertime, it’s easy to fall in love with Canada. Try visiting in February. Try spending an entire winter in Sudbury.

Tip Number Four: Canadians are used to freezing cold temperatures. You are not. Try sticking your head into your freezer for twenty minutes a day to start getting used to it.

Tip Number Five: Canadians are proud of their national anthem, even though it is one of the stupidest national anthems in the world. But you still have to learn it. It was revised (not for the better) in 1980. Here is the current dumb version in English.

Tip Number Six: Apologize frequently. Canadians apologize an average of 14.3 times a day. When someone bumps into a Canadian, the Canadian apologizes. Ask someone to bump into you. Say “I’m sorry”. Practice this often.

Tip Number Seven: Avoid calling people “Eskimos” and “Indians”. The original inhabitants of Canada are now called the First Nations, and the Inuit.  

(I heartily recommend reading up on the Métis as well)

Tip Number Eight: Winters are long and boring. Practice winter sports. Learn to skate. On ice, that is. It’s child’s play.

Tip Number Nine: Only Canadians know that the capital of Canada is Ottawa, not Toronto. Impress them by knowing that!

Tip Number Ten: When Canadians talk about a looney, they are not referring to your mental health. It’s slang for the Canadian dollar coin. The two-dollar coin is called a ‘twoney’. Why a two dollar coin? Not everything in Canada makes cents. Eh?