Mel’s Ten Reasons Why Your Car Won’t Start
Copyright © 2016
In most cases (83% I am told) the reason your car won’t start is: you don’t have a car. I suggest you buy one. They are very handy in getting you from one place or another.
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The second most common reason that your car won’t start is that you have lost your key. This happens all the time. The simplest solution is to keep a spare key somewhere. You’ve lost that key as well? Well, then, you can hire a car thief to hot wire the car. The other is to order a new key. Both options are so expensive you might as well buy a new car (see above).
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The third reason is that you have parked a car in a car park but just can’t find it. The solution is to take a photo of your car and the sign on the wall indicating the floor and the parking spot. You forgot to do that? Well then, the best solution is to buy a new car (see above). Otherwise you might spend the rest of your life wandering around the car park looking for your car. And think of how much you’ll pay for the parking when you do find it.
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The fourth reason is that you are an American living in the UK and have forgotten that your British car has the driver sitting on the other side. The reverse has also been known to happen, but more rarely (Brits are so much smarter than Americans). The solution is to get out, walk around and get in the other side (the one with the steering wheel). If you have trouble following that simple procedure, buy a new car (see above).
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The fifth reason is that your car is new and no longer uses keys. This is good for young people who know that there is a button somewhere that you press that starts the car. But you don’t. Better to buy a car (see above) with an old fashioned key and starter. While they still manufacture them.
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The sixth reason that your car won’t start is that the engine has frozen. This happens in very cold countries, and usually in the winter. The solution is to wait for summer. Or to buy a new car (see above).
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The seventh reason is that you have left the lights on for hours and the battery has died. Perhaps you can flag down a helpful driver with cables to help you start your car. You can buy a new battery. There is no reason to buy a new car. But I have a feeling you will anyway (see above).
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The eighth reason that your car won’t start is that something is seriously wrong. Yes, the people at the garage will tell you that it’s the spark plugs, the engine block, the alternator, the exhaust and what have you. They will replace all these items and charge you an arm and a leg. Better to walk. Or to buy a new car (see above).
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The ninth reason that your car won’t start is that it just doesn’t feel like it. Cars have personalities, after all. Have you been good to your car? Have you taken care to clean it regularly, to groom it, to take it to visit places IT wants to go. Or have you just used it as a disposable throwaway? If so, I suggest that you just sell the impudent vehicle and buy a new one (see above).
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Have I convinced you to buy a new car? I sure hope so. My brother-in-law Jervin sells cars and he sure needs your custom (that’s what the Brits say). Tell him Mel sent you. I’m sure he’ll throw in floor mats, and maybe a can of new car smell. And if you take it home and it doesn’t start, then, well….
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Published: Jul 7, 2016
Latest Revision: Jul 25, 2021
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Copyright © 2016
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