Conversations with Fudge – Dog Tales
After fruitful careers as a scientist and inventor I've gone back to what I love most - writing children's books
Read More
Member Since
Oct 2013
- Joined Oct 2013
- Published Books 1560
Published Books
1560
Copyright © 2014
To the memory of our first dog, Elvis, who had a soul….
2
And our second dog, Fudge who loved to sing…
3
Fudge:So what is that powerpoint presentation you’re working on?
Mel: It’s a talk about barking.
Fudge:What’s motivational about barking?
7
Mel: I want to teach people to get out of their comfort zone, overcome their fear of looking silly, grab their destiny, and bark bark bark
Fudge: That’s pretty silly, if you ask me.
8
Mel: Hey, you sing every time I play my sax. And that isn’t silly?
Fudge: Dude, I sing because I feel like singing.
Mel: Exactly, I want people to bark because they feel like barking.
Fudge: Sorry, it won’t work with people.
9
Mel: What do you know about people?
Fudge: Humans are ridiculous. They are embarrassed about every little thing. They’re afraid to leave home naked. They’re afraid to smell each others’ behinds. They poo in the house. Need I go on?
Mel: That’s not fear, that’s part of domestic civilization.
10
Fudge: What? You’re saying dogs aren’t domesticated?
Mel: Of course you are. Before we tamed you, you guys were just wild dogs and wolves.
Fudge: So say you domesticated us, twenty thousand years ago.
Mel: Give or take…
11
Fudge: So I’m domesticated? You call me domesticated?
Mel: In a manner of speaking.
Fudge: What manner is that, dude? What manners do I have? You guys dress up when it’s boiling hot outside. Look at me, man. I burp and fart in public.
12
I’m cool as a cucumber, strutting down the sidewalk, everything hanging out in the breeze for anyone to admire.
Mel: Almost everything, actually.
Fudge: Yeah, and what was that all about? What about informed consent?
13
Mel: Be civilized.
Fudge: Screw civilized. Isn’t it time you were a little less civilized, dude? Let’s see YOU walk out of here naked, stroll down the sidewalk, pee on the lamppost and sniff a woman!
14
Mel: I would be making a fool of myself, maybe even get arrested.
Fudge: See? You’re afraid of letting your hair down. Even in your own home. You’re the one who should try barking once in a while.
Mel: Woof, woof…
Fudge: With all your heart, dude.
15
Fudge: That’s better. Now watch me. See. I’m peeing on your expensive speakers. See that? Now I’m taking a wet crap on your Persian carpet.
Mel: You’re disgusting !!!
Fudge: Now that’s what I call BARKING.
Coming up next : Inventions 101
17
Fudge: Hey, boss!!
Mel: What’s up, doc?
Fudge: There you go with that rabbit thing again.
Mel: Sorry, kiddo.
20
Fudge: Now the goat put down. Never call a dog ‘kiddo’, either, kiddo. It’s doggone demeaning.
Mel: Sorry.
Fudge: Hey, doc!!
Mel: Yes.
21
Fudge: That’s much better. Listen, I got this hot idea for a patent.
Mel: Dogs can’t register patents.
Fudge: You’ll register it in your name. We’ll split the royalties. Nobody will ever know.
Mel:What? Open a joint bank account?
22
Fudge: Don’t be facetious. Just listen to this fabulous idea. Ready? Here it comes: A platform so dogs can climb up and take a crap on a toilet just like humans. We’ll make a fortune. What do you say?
Mel: That’s disgusting. You think that I’m ever going to crap on the same toilet as you?
23
Fudge: Technically, we wouldn’t actually be sharing the same seat. By the way, I find the idea of sharing a seat with YOU pretty unhygienic.
24
Mel: Unhygienic? And what is hygienic about the way you dogs clean yourselves afterwards?
Fudge: At least we don’t smear the poo around our anus with paper like you guys.
Mel: There’s no chance any human in his or her right mind would want a dog toilet platform so dogs can poo in the house.
26
Fudge: Discrimination.
Mel: The next thing you know you’ll be asking for a doggie chair so you can join us at the table for dessert.
Fudge: Ya, that too.
Next: Doggie Bags
27
Fudge: Are you guys back from the restaurant?
Mel: Yup, great dinner.
Fudge: What’s that you got in your hand?
Mel: It’s a doggie bag.
29
Fudge: Doggie bag? For me? How very kind of you.
Mel: Actually it’s for us. It’s our dessert. Cheese cake. We were too full to finish it.
Fudge: I’m not.
30
Mel: You’re not what?
Fudge: Not too full to eat some cheese cake.
Mel: It’s not good for you.
Fudge: Not good for you either. When was the last time you looked at yourself in the mirror? Profile, I mean. Full body.
32
Mel: It’s all muscle.
Fudge: Funny muscle. It bounces up and down when you walk. Looks like fat to me.
Mel: I’ll diet when I feel like dieting. No way you’re having that cheese cake.
Fudge: “Doggie bag” my ass. Humans are such hypocrites!!
Next: Dog-gevity
33
Fudge: What’s this thing about dog years?
Mel: Dogs have a life span of about fifteen years.
Fudge: What, so like one year for humans is like seven for dogs?
Mel: More or less.
35
Fudge: And then I’m history? Yesterday’s news.
Mel: Yup.
Fudge: Do I get a burial? A gravestone? Anything?
36
Mel: Unlikely.
Fudge: Any way of beating the odds?
Mel: Sure. Quit smoking.
Next: The early worm
37
Fudge: What’s that line about the early worm?
Mel: You mean the expression?
Fudge: Don’t get pedantic on me, pretty please.
Mel: It’s “The early bird gets the worm.”
39
Fudge: What about that early worm?
Mel: I guess it gets eaten by the early bird.
Fudge: Worms are disgusting creatures, I reckon.
40
Mel: You do like birds, don’t you .
Fudge: What does that have to do with it?
Mel: Well you eat birds and birds eat worms!
41
Fudge: I guess that means you like crap, piss and mud.
Mel: No way. Why?
Fudge: You’re so daft. I’m guessing you think that bacon is a veggie.
Next: Adoption
42
Fudge: Am I adopted?
Mel: What do you mean?
Fudge: Don’t beat around the family bush. I mean are you my father and is Mom my mother?
Mel: In a way.
44
Fudge: So then that means that I can sleep in a regular bed like my brother and sister?
Mel: No.
Fudge: Can I have a weekly allowance?
Mel: Of course not.
45
Fudge: There you go. I knew you weren’t my biological parents.
Mel: Of course not. You’re a dog, and we’re humans.
Fudge: At least that explains your funny little ears and inferior sense of smell.
47
Mel: Hey, we’re much smarter than dogs.
Fudge: That’s only because you guys are the ones who compose the IQ tests…
More quirky conversations with Fudge:
48
49
50
51
52
53
Published: Apr 29, 2014
Latest Revision: Aug 30, 2021
Ourboox Unique Identifier: OB-7528
Copyright © 2014
265
2
0
