It’s a Blast – a Simple Approach to Making Your Own Atomic Bomb

Today I am going to share with you my idea for creating an atomic explosion in your own house. You could do it in your living room, but I suggest the kitchen. The idea came from a story I wrote a few years ago called “Jeff the Mis-Fish”. 

Jeff is a mis-fish who gets thrown out of school for asking questions and wearing purple goggles. He later gets scooped out of the water and sold to Fishbooq, along with his friend, Jimmy the Whale. While they are being transported across the bridge, they wail at the top of the scale, shatter the glass, and jump into the river. 

But what if the glass were too thick? What if they were hoarse that day? They would be imprisoned in a fish tank to this very day. Or, who knows? They might have ended up as sushi or even gefilte fish.”

What they really needed, to be dead sure of escaping, was a small but powerful atomic explosion. Ordinarily, I might be thinking about uranium rods. But to be innovative you have to take a different approach, a different angle. You have to be an angler. You have to fish for new ideas.  And that was easy. I had fish on my mind. 

To make an atomic bomb, you need only two sources of uranium, and a good hard BANG that brings them together. Then, if you are lucky (or unlucky, as the case may be), you get what is called fission. 

I know a lot about fission. When I was a young child my father would take me on a boat. We caught perch mostly. But that was back in the sixties when fish had lower levels of heavy metals than they do today. Today, any time you go fission, anything fish you catch is bound to have high levels of uranium. Fish have higher concentrations of uranium than practically any other food. 

So, to make your own atomic bomb, the first step is to go fission. The second step is to take the fish home. Now all we need is a good hard bang. With something else that contains uranium.

Hmmm…..Then I thought of pots and pans. Today, almost all pots and pans have high concentrations of uranium too. Especially if they are glazed. Especially if they are made in China. 

Now all we need is a BANG. I remember the way we used to kill carp when we were young. We would give it a sharp bang with a pot or pan. And that was that. Of course there was less uranium in fish and pots and pans when I was a child. But times have changed. 

As with any new idea, there are some caveats. You don’t want to be in the vicinity when the big bang occurs. Some people might say ask your mother-in-law to do it, but I love my mother-in-law. If you have any good ideas in this regard (such as a robot that does the banging and is willing to sacrifice him/her/itself), please let me know. 

In the meantime, I would like to leave you with this thought. Every once in a while, we hear of someone who has somehow exploded spontaneously. The newspapers call it ‘spontaneous combustion’. But I remember reading that on many occasions, the remains of a dead fish are in the vicinity. Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?